Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The "R" word....

It always hits me right in my gut, then fumes northward to my heart and a fire is ignited. You know, when someone says, "that's so retarded". 
Sick, it makes me sick to my inner core that in today's society people still manage to think this is an acceptable term.

Let me explain to you that I would hope I would find this word just as offensive had I not had a family member who has Down Syndrome. Garrett, is my husband's little brother. Their mother was a stay-at-home mom all there life. She was diagnosed with cancer in November of 2001 and died the 4 weeks later, the week before Christmas. She had done all of the care for Garrett as her husband, Garrett's dad was the sole earner for the family. I don't think my father in law had ever given Garrett a bath, changed his diaper, or cooked a meal. At this point my then boyfriend-now husband moved back home to assist in caring for Garrett who was then 5 years old.
Garrett has been the person who taught my husband patience. Garrett has shown his family what love is and how to show love through genuine affection. Garrett brings laughter every-single-day. Garrett learns something new every single day. Garrett is a home-run-champ most summer days in our backyard. Garrett praises our Savior uninhibited, like we should all do, without fear of what people think. Garrett, is my son Leo's FAVORITE person(and as a mom that's kinda my spot) but he stole it right from me. Its ok I'll let him have it:) Some days he can outrun me. He is a Vikings fan just ask him. He is IN LOVE with Big Time Rush the band and wants all the Fox boys to be in his band, Garrett of course is Kendall the lead singer. When he grows up he wants to be a weatherman like Adam Frederic on KIMT. Garrett, or Gary as we like to call him loves to play the guitar. He LOVES to sing and is the biggest Elvis fan ever. He wanted us to name Leo Elvis...thats how big of a fan he is.

Garrett has brought more joy to our lives than he will ever know. God made him perfect in His eyes. He is a gift to my dear family.


 [ri-tahrd, for 1–3, 5; ree-tahrd for 4]  Show IPA
verb (used with object)
to make slow; delay the development or progress of (anaction, process, etc.); hinder or impede.

I can assure you he has never "hindered" us.
He has never "impeded" us.
See, when people say this, they say it like its a negative thing. Like people with disabilities are less than the rest. THEY ARE NOT

So the next time this word flows freely out ya mouth...think about what you are saying and what it really means.


He was making jokes with me!!

The face he gives me when I've taken too many pics for 1 day

ummmm yeah, like one of his fav people MR. Zack Fox

My sonny boy's smile!

Ohmygosh! memories! this is at a canival when we lived in Iowa City

He calls me his "baby girl" He always says "dont cry babygirl"

His "Bradey" My dad!

He "conqured" Wild thing...lets just say it wasnt pretty!

He calls Ryan "His best best brother"

Do you think this almost 18 year old slows us down??

Think about it....

Sunday, January 29, 2012

This season in life....

No one said motherhood was easy. ITs actually really challenging. Amazing. But filled with challenges. The latest is that I am starting the grieving process of loosing nursing. Its not over and I'm not sure how long I will nurse. 12 months, 14 months, 20 months? I don't know. But what I know is that it is nearing an end. It is more over than is left. That breaks my heart into a million little pieces, ya know that kind of broken that you will never get back. The process of him becoming independent. One less thing my baby needs me for. (yes, Im crying right now)
 Even though I'm like a hippy wanna-be, tree hugging, green thinking, recycle and don't use chemical, make-the-world-a-better type thinker.....I wasnt always so sure I could  successfully nurse.
Looking back, it makes me chuckle a little at how much I am morning this impending loss. It seems like a minute ago, my friend Ruth Ann came to visit me while i was on maternity leave. I think Leo was maybe 5-6 weeks old. Nursing still seemed to kinda hurt. Nursing seemed to take me away from going here or there so easily. I would wonder, if Im there how will I feed him?( I feel silly for thinking that now) As we were going to go for a walk, I think i got off the stairs of my front porch and was a sobbing mess(thank you hormones and slight dab of selfishness). You see my friend Ruth Ann is the pro at mothering. 4 happy babies all successfully breastfed and litterally the healthiest kids I have ever met in my whole life! (reason #403 why you should b-feed!)
So anyway, I start explaining to her how I hating b-feeding and it was such a hassle and I think at this point it was still somewhat painful. I just wanted to be done. In her mothering way, she hugged me and encouraged me to just try to make it to 8 weeks. Then when you get there try to make it to 12 weeks, the end of my treasured maternity leave, and see how i felt then.
 I really feel silly looking back on this moment now that I treasure it so. But, such is life. I was weak at that point and she was strong and had lived it already. I had tons of friends who were successful with nursing and I am certain without them I would have never made it this far. To the point of having a heart that is physically aching when relizing its nearing the end!!!!!!!!!!!
Without support, nursing it likely not going to be successful. I had about 10-12 really close friends who nursed. About 7-8 of them were currently nursing. I had my mom who was encouraging. My corky(and i use that in the nicest way) lactaion consultant from the hospital. I struggled and some days still do with low supply. All these people encouraged me to keep going strong.
This actually is not the blog where i wanted to tout breast feeding(to come later....) but instead explain what is getting me through. Ok-this is where i cry. Here's the picture: Usually the bedtime feeding is the saddest for me. I run my hands over his hair and rub his  exposed ear. I pat his bottom with my other hand. I can hear him gulping. I can smell the fresh lotion I just slathered on him. He is holding on to my hair strand that fell out of my messy ponytail.  He stares at me with his sleepy gaze....its usually when our eyes meet. This is when it happens. TEAR FACTORY 2012 YA'LL.

MY friend Meghan always says, "this is a season in our life". In Ecclesiastes chpter 3 Solomon says "There is a time for everything and a SEASON for every activity under heaven" He goes on to say "...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...."

This is the season I am in----nursing and raising up a child of God's. God gave him to me, he is my promised jewel. I will humbely mourn this loss. But our time to dance is near. I may weep in my loss but laughter is near. God even gives these seasons simultaneously. I see my firstborn growing. When I cry my husband says, "Arent you happy to see him growing?" YES I AM! But I'm sad to, my days are numbered with him so little as he is.
But then again, the Word says in Psalm 90:12  
So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.

The anticipation....January 2011
Life's first breath...4.13.11
First days at home, I watched him sleep ALOT!
ahhhhh true love
Growing too fast, be still my heart....

My Lion Cub.

That's what I want. To present to God a heart of wisdom. 
Let HIM see that I made every day count of every season in my life. 
From life's first cry to final breath, let it be to honor the life my God gave me.


Friday, January 27, 2012

Enemy Attacks come at the weirdest times.....

Some days are just a struggle....today was one of those days....I rushed to pick my son up from daycare to go home and nurse him quick, then feed him his food, then attempt to look nice(which i must say i didnt even comb my hair since i ran during lunch because of course i forgot to pack my comb and flat iron), and rush out the door to the tea part at church. I was thinking i should be so happy---right?
Well, we get to the tea party and its like all i can think about is, "all these people have it all together and what is my problem?" Why am i so flippin frazzled all them time? Rush, rush, rush. Why cant I be calm. My son, who is amazing was practically quieter than a red poppy blooming in summer---during supper. THENNNNNNNN the time ya know when you are supposed to be quiet, yep you guessed it the tear factory gets ramped to 100 miles per hour! Ok, so now im thinking, "good job Amanda!!! You brought that freshly pumped bottle he will drink it no problem" WRONG....yes, its then that you sense every mom and well, non-mom in the room looking, staring, and judging your own "MOM ABILITIES" Which if your a mom, know is very sensitive.
So i took him into a side room. What did my ears hear? Silence! Then he caught sight of the lovely little Violet. But all he wants is her BIG FLUFFY RED dress. Oh dear, there he goes grabbing her dress so hard that if her momma wasnt there to stabilize her she surly would have been head first into the carpet. Then i think, "oh gosh people must think Im a bad mom because my son is picking on a little girl"
Ok, so he would not take the bottle. Ummmm ok i will nurse him. But i have a dress on....ok its hillbilly time as i like to think. Oh and you know i forgot the blanket out where all the people are singing. So here goes, i guess i will just pray no one walks in to get an eye full! In the process of getting my poor tired baby situated and he bonked his head on the arm rest and starts screaming. ANDDDDDDDDDDDDD cue: mommy cries. Yep not even going to lie! I think, can i get any worse as a mom than this? So at this point I gather myself together enough to brave the crowd and quickly collect our things and we leave.

Driving home. I think about all my friends who ya know....HAVE IT ALLLLL TOGETHER. Whats wrong with me? I mean my friend Meghan keeps it all together. She's perfect, she works outside the home, successfully nursed beyond 1 year, and her home is always clean-not just picked up i mean clean. Then theres Rachel who has 2 kids under 2 years old and is the most organized and driven person i have met in quite some time and always seems to have her hair done?? How does that happen?? Then theres Ruth Ann,ok to sum it up she can make-do-solve anything. To broaden it she makes homemade lotion, clothe diapers, and is a walking "real life encyclopedia". And a newer friend Christy who appears to be the calmest mother of 4 kids i have ever seen. yes, and she is like Miss America beautiful. Oh, and then theres Beka, shes my Hollywood friend. She has two model children, is like a local celeb photog, and always....and i mean always can front a smile no matter what it seems. All these woman are beautiful, and somehow again I am amazed they ALL always have there hair done???? I mean these are just a few of my friends....i could blog and blog about all my friends that HAVE IT ALLLLL TOGETHER.

ok, so 5 minutes prior to blog composition. God sweetly whispers, "You know that's not how i feel about you, Amanda! I made you, I will calm your heart, I will make you into a more patient mom and wife, I gave you strengthes.***SEE*** my promises!"

So, ok. I will end my pity party on this note.God did make me and you for different reasons. He gave you something He didnt give me. But He gave me something He didnt give you. BUT our Savior gives us all Grace. So right now, thats enough for me to have a little peace tonight. 


Thursday, January 19, 2012

welcome to blog Mrs. Nash, ahem...

Oh gosh, I'm kinda shy....but thanks for the warm welcome to the blog world. There is so much i want to say hmmm.....its late though and i must get up early, nurse my baby, get his b-fast ready, wake up his daddy, head out the door to meet my dear friend for the carpool, actually get to work, work, run 3.1 miles and do 10 burpies on my lunchbreak, shower, head back to work, get back in the carpool, pick my son up from daycare(most treasured part of the day), then head to my parents for supper, the go the the book study group for "finding the hero in your hubby", then go back to my parents, then have my mom teach me how to crochet, then go to bed....to then wake up early for a day full of shopping in Rochester!
do you see why exhaustion has already set in? Or maybe not, maybe your days are more hectic?
Anyway...i have LOTS to say. i promise i have started a list and its getting long. I want to blog about my struggles in balances life as a working outside of home mom, how my God saved me from death and a lost life, how HE restored my....everything...., how He promised me JEWELS, how HE has given me one-my diamond just as he promised, how i wait patiently for my rubies saphires and emralds,  how adoption has touched my life is a personal way, how i pray adoption beautifies my family with more jewels, how pumping at work is a REAL struggle, how I struggled with my milk supply but how i have stayed strong and Leo is 9 mo and 7 days and still exclusively breastfed, how Leo's natural childbirth showed me God-my strength-and how it was the most alive i have ever felt, how i am i ran two marathons and now struggle to run 4 miles(weird), how i found some long lost cousins i never knew i had that lived 3 miles from me my whole life, How the book Kisses from Katie rocked my world and convicted me of my blackberry and love others, how i love green living and strive to be as green as my dear friend Ruth Ann, ok....and theres more, lots more.

So blogs to come I promise, please follow and always let me know your thoughts.



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I love Leo.