No one said motherhood was easy. ITs actually really challenging. Amazing. But filled with challenges. The latest is that I am starting the grieving process of loosing nursing. Its not over and I'm not sure how long I will nurse. 12 months, 14 months, 20 months? I don't know. But what I know is that it is nearing an end. It is more over than is left. That breaks my heart into a million little pieces, ya know that kind of broken that you will never get back. The process of him becoming independent. One less thing my baby needs me for. (yes, Im crying right now)
Even though I'm like a hippy wanna-be, tree hugging, green thinking, recycle and don't use chemical, make-the-world-a-better type thinker.....I wasnt always so sure I could successfully nurse.
Looking back, it makes me chuckle a little at how much I am morning this impending loss. It seems like a minute ago, my friend Ruth Ann came to visit me while i was on maternity leave. I think Leo was maybe 5-6 weeks old. Nursing still seemed to kinda hurt. Nursing seemed to take me away from going here or there so easily. I would wonder, if Im there how will I feed him?( I feel silly for thinking that now) As we were going to go for a walk, I think i got off the stairs of my front porch and was a sobbing mess(thank you hormones and slight dab of selfishness). You see my friend Ruth Ann is the pro at mothering. 4 happy babies all successfully breastfed and litterally the healthiest kids I have ever met in my whole life! (reason #403 why you should b-feed!)
So anyway, I start explaining to her how I hating b-feeding and it was such a hassle and I think at this point it was still somewhat painful. I just wanted to be done. In her mothering way, she hugged me and encouraged me to just try to make it to 8 weeks. Then when you get there try to make it to 12 weeks, the end of my treasured maternity leave, and see how i felt then.
I really feel silly looking back on this moment now that I treasure it so. But, such is life. I was weak at that point and she was strong and had lived it already. I had tons of friends who were successful with nursing and I am certain without them I would have never made it this far. To the point of having a heart that is physically aching when relizing its nearing the end!!!!!!!!!!!
Without support, nursing it likely not going to be successful. I had about 10-12 really close friends who nursed. About 7-8 of them were currently nursing. I had my mom who was encouraging. My corky(and i use that in the nicest way) lactaion consultant from the hospital. I struggled and some days still do with low supply. All these people encouraged me to keep going strong.
This actually is not the blog where i wanted to tout breast feeding(to come later....) but instead explain what is getting me through. Ok-this is where i cry. Here's the picture: Usually the bedtime feeding is the saddest for me. I run my hands over his hair and rub his exposed ear. I pat his bottom with my other hand. I can hear him gulping. I can smell the fresh lotion I just slathered on him. He is holding on to my hair strand that fell out of my messy ponytail. He stares at me with his sleepy gaze....its usually when our eyes meet. This is when it happens. TEAR FACTORY 2012 YA'LL.
MY friend Meghan always says, "this is a season in our life". In Ecclesiastes chpter 3 Solomon says "There is a time for everything and a SEASON for every activity under heaven" He goes on to say "...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...."
This is the season I am in----nursing and raising up a child of God's. God gave him to me, he is my promised jewel. I will humbely mourn this loss. But our time to dance is near. I may weep in my loss but laughter is near. God even gives these seasons simultaneously. I see my firstborn growing. When I cry my husband says, "Arent you happy to see him growing?" YES I AM! But I'm sad to, my days are numbered with him so little as he is.
But then again, the Word says in Psalm 90:12
So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.
|The anticipation....January 2011|
|Life's first breath...4.13.11|
|First days at home, I watched him sleep ALOT!|
|ahhhhh true love|
|Growing too fast, be still my heart....|
|My Lion Cub.|
That's what I want. To present to God a heart of wisdom.
Let HIM see that I made every day count of every season in my life.
From life's first cry to final breath, let it be to honor the life my God gave me.